The good news is there are nine thousand movies that came out this month. The bad news is that most of those nine thousand movies were all over the place in terms of quality. Sure, there's a great Jeremy Irons film you may not already know. Sure, there's a pretty solid teen sex comedy that manages to somehow combine the sleaze of Porky's with the honesty of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And, man, if you're a fan of arch weird comedies that feel like John Waters probably vaguely approves of them, you are in luck.

But, man, we are navigating some truly ugly waters this month. I have two words for you: Luciano. Pavarotti. And I have one more word for you. Inchon. Peter O'Toole, it's up to you to save us from September of 1982.

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